It was Monday, that sacred day when millionaires get bored and mistresses get busy. Louis Vuitton, always eager to fill that existential void between a caviar massage and a scheduled divorce, unveiled his latest haute joaillerie collection at the Château de Bellver, a gothic setting perfectly suited to the egos of his guests.

More than just a fashion show, it was a mass. No bread, no wine, but black Australian opals and Brazilian emeralds, all bigger than your personal trainer’s ambitions.

The collection is divided into two chapters:
“Le Monde de la Maîtrise” (The World of Mastery), for those who think that taming a man and a diamond are the same technique (stare, 12-inch heels, and checkbook in ambush).
And “Le Monde de la Créativité”, for those who know that true luxury is wearing a 300,000-euro ring… with flip-flops.

The Savoir necklace – because it’s a well-known fact that anything cleverly put together deserves a pedantic name – sits around a neck that only knows the caresses of a five-star spa. As for the 30-carat Brazilian emerald, rumor has it that she wept when she discovered its recipient. But rest assured, she was soon consoled by a comprehensive insurance policy and a well-framed selfie.

FM