Ah, the purveyors of protective cosmetics… those valiant modern-day alchemists, armed with golden pipettes and pseudo-scientific slogans, ready to save us from every rogue photon! Give me a break — but not too loudly, I’m wearing SPF 130 on my lips and it’s stickier than regret.

Meanwhile, the internet is oozing with skincare misinformation — and has been ever since humanity realized you could smear some blurry science into a pretty pink bottle and call it “dermatologist-approved.” But surprise! It’s no longer just TikTok influencers in the middle of a histamine meltdown spreading nonsense. No, no — now the big media outlets have joined the party. CNN, in a fit of cosmeto-apocalyptic panic, recently warned us that only 25% of sunscreens are both safe and effective. And to make sure the info really seeps into our pores, they sent out a push alert. Ding dong, your SPF might be chemical poison! Thanks CNN — I’ll sunbathe by candlelight just to be safe.

And what about NPR, those stern gatekeepers of wisdom? They’ve decreed that all scented lotions must be shunned like the bubonic plague. Goodbye joy, goodbye fragrance, goodbye little clouds of jasmine or vanilla. If your cream smells like anything at all, it’s clearly plotting against you. At this rate, they’ll soon be recommending that we slather ourselves in neutral clay, silently, under a full moon, under strict dermatological supervision.

But the gold medal — naturally — goes to the protective cosmetic suppliers themselves, those lab-coated sorcerers who solemnly promise that a 30 ml sunscreen priced at €80 can stop UV rays, pollution, aging and heartbreak. They’d probably invent a cream to block Wi-Fi anxiety if they could sell it in Dubai. And we, gullible mortals with trusting skin, we buy into it all, as long as it promises an “invisible protective barrier” as if our faces were about to enter biochemical warfare.

In short, by bottling fear in sleek, airless containers, these merchants of miracles mostly just make us sweat… which, ironically, cancels out the effect of their own cream. Bravo, artists!